My healing journey has been really tough. Pinpointing its start feels elusive. I sense a stagnancy within me and have felt that way for years. I acknowledge that I can be my own worst enemy, yet I find the common saying “people can only hurt you if you let them” to be grating. It oversimplifies the complexities of human interactions. People are capable of cruelty; they hurt others. While I believe that the only true way out is self-healing, It’s ok to acknowledge that sometimes we’re mending parts of ourselves that were never meant to be broken, parts we didn’t ask to be fractured, and certainly not through any fault of our own
I’ve long been a repressor, and now I bear the consequences (yay). A reservoir of unresolved emotions resides within me. I cant even but a label on what some of the emotions are, that’s how out of touch I am with myself. Denied the space to express anger or sadness during my childhood (thank you the study and European style upbringing), I’ve come to understand that pain and sorrow do not vanish when ignored. They burrow deep, resurfacing unexpectedly and let me tell ya with vengeance
One significant stride in my healing journey is embracing my truth. I don’t feel compelled to yell it from the rooftops (unless im blasting Lana del ray or have had a couple tinis’) but my experiences are mine to own. Im starting to shed the burden of protecting those who never protected me and more so to those who hurt me. It’s daunting to admit that I endured an abusive relationship for five years, even more so to realize how expertly I concealed it. I sometimes fall asleep to the thought of travelling back in time and giving my past self some solace and a big fat hug.
I’m often hesitant to disclose this aspect of my past because I abhor the notion of “two sides to every story.” Which is something ive been met with when ive opened up. There are instances where one side, your side, represents the unadulterated truth. “Why did you stay” – Why did I stay? Fear, insecurity, a misguided belief that I deserved nothing better, I really can’t explain that and dont think I ever need to. Only those who’ve been in abusive relationships can comprehend its intricacies &If you find yourself unable to grasp it, I envy your ignorance <3
Leave a Reply